Crisis

I created this blog partly as a way to let off steam about my inescapable and infuriating colleagues, but mainly as an outlet for the other things I can't say in real life. My marriage has never been simple, and I figured that writing about things as they came up would help me work through them better. It turns out, when things are coming up, it's all I can do to keep my head above water, hence the 5 week hiatus.

Things seem to go in a familiar cycle:

• we have a few weeks of just 'normal'
• Tom gradually begins to withdraw, staying out late, not turning up when he says he will, picking fights where there is no fight to be picked, insisting nothing is the matter when asked (frequently, though not to the point of nagging. I am very careful about this)
  
• me trying to stay calm and not make a fuss because he has a lot on his plate. His plate is always fucking overflowing
• me slightly losing it and making him explain what is going on
• we have a really intense few days, going through whatever it is that's wrong
• we feel incredibly close
  
• we have a few weeks of just 'normal'

...rinse and repeat as necessary.

The last few weeks have been particularly bad, with the added bonus of his mum's ropey health rearing its ugly head. Tom is trying to deal with not having dealt with things in the past, mainly his sexuality. It's a little easier for me because I've been expecting this forever - I never thought that his bisexuality would just go away (which he, apparently, did), so I always assumed he would need to work through what that meant for him. He claims that when we got married, he made a decision to 'bury' that part of him, but he didn't tell me. If he had, I would have told him that that probably wasn't going to work.

It's now 5 years since he had an affair, and 4.5 since I confronted him about it. I never thought it would take this long for him to realise that he needs to work out the implications, but at least he's got there now. We've had a lot of late nights talking about the whys, whats, whens, but nothing is resolved yet. I don't want to push him, because I know that under pressure he panics and lashes out. I also know that it's not fair on me for him to keep me dangling.