Who ate all the pies?

Skippy, why do you ALWAYS ask your husband 'Are you going to have a pasty?' when you're talking to him on the phone? What is it with pasties? I don't get it.

 

PS. I know you're pregnant and huge and LAZY, but when you're having a rambly personal call on your mobile, GET OUT OF THE OFFICE. WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT.

Vocabumalary nonsense

Skippy, since when did 'pleasure trip' replace the term 'holiday'?

Geographobia

Skippy, not having Geography GCSE is not an excuse for not knowing that Iceland is part of Scandinavia. It makes you sound so uninformed you could be a Republican Vice-Presidential candidate.

Discretion is sometimes the better part of being a colleague

Skippy, when you hear that a co-worker's little brother has just been hospitalized, maybe don't tell her that the condition he is being tested for is exceedingly painful and it will take at least 6 months for him to recover. That may well be true, but you don't need to beat her over the head with it...

Skippy, pull your shirt back down

Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean that it's appropriate to show your belly in the workplace.

I am not a resource centre

Skippy and Ermentrude - while I think that it's lovely that you respect my superior knowledge and skills so much, but please, if there's something you don't know, why not try to find out for yourself before asking me? When the answer is going to on either Wikipedia or on a Windows Help Menu, why not use them, instead of me? Exactly how unhelpful do I have to be before you stop asking me STUPID QUESTIONS?!

Party of the century

Skippy, I think it's great that you enjoyed your birthday (and that I got out of going to your party), but please could you now SHUT UP ABOUT IT. I am really busy, and I think you are too. Come on girl, it's business time not gossip time. GET ON WITH IT!

Snob Alert!

Ermentrude, the cleaner (who is lovely) is NOT going to go through your bag while you nip to the loo.

Insecurity broadcast

Skippy, are you so insecure in your relationship that you have to call your husband 'my darling', 'gorgeous' or 'babe' EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE?!

Note to Skippy

Sticking out your bottom lip and looking perturbed is not, repeat NOT, endearing.

 

When at work, you're supposed to at least try to act like an adult.

 

UPDATE: tuneless humming is also rather irritating and could get you slapped! Or at least glared at.

Coworkers - please think before you speak...

Skippy: I can't lie on my belly anymore, and I've only got 4 weeks left until I'm too pregnant to lie on my back.

Ermentrude: Can you lie on your side?

In my head: No, she has to hang upside down on the back of a door. *roll eyes*

Alanis Morissette should have used this in 'Ironic'

When your husband is struggling with his sexuality and you decide to watch 'Angels in America' without knowing what it's about...

...isn't it ironic, don't you think.

Tea - it's not rocket science

Whenever Skippy or Ermentrude make each other a cup of tea, they always have a long discussion about the strength of the brew, and whether it measures up to the recipient's expectations. I could understand this if they were variable in their tastes in any way, but they're not. The tea is always determined to be 'Fiiiiiine' (with the most nasal of long, drawn-out Northern vowels it is possible to produce).

Fancy that...

Strangely, my stress levels are increasing today. Ermentrude has been on holiday for two weeks, and before that was working in another department for a month, limiting that inane chatter with Skippy. She's been back for just over 2 hours, and already I want to throw things.

Pet Poo - suitable topic for discussion in the workplace?

Skippy and Ermentrude have, for the last 10 minutes, been discussing the toilet habits of their pets. Loudly.

Nice.

Why do I have share oxygen with these morons?

Nosy cow, but not very good at it

Skippy: Ooh, what's in your bag?!

Anna: My lunchbox... Why?

Skippy: It looked really exciting.

Anna: ???

Please note, the bag in question was open, and the lunchbox was CLEARLY visible.

Sensory overload

Ermentrude, for the love of God and the good of humanity TONE DOWN THE LAVENDER. The smell is making me nauseous, and I'm not even pregnant.

Biological clock

Two opposing reactions to the same natural phenomenon.

Poppy: Yes, I can hear you. Yup, tick tock, tick tock. Why are you so loud? I'm not even 30! Getting the message, loud and clear! Come on, isn't there a fucking snooze button on this thing?! PLEASE SHUT UP!

Tom: Biological clock, you say? An evolutionary mechanism innate in all living organisms to prompt reproduction so as to ensure the future of the species? I'm sorry, I'm just not familiar with the concept!

April Fresh Apocalypse

Following a 40 minute conversation about washing and ironing with the female members of Tom's family, it turns out that they are trying to bring about the utter collapse of the environment purely through the medium of laundry. How can a 3 person household generate 3 loads of washing a day?!

Hot = fast?

I came out of a meeting in a sweltering room fanning myself with my notebook, and sat back at my desk.

Poppy: That was the hottest meeting ever!

Ermentrude (with puzzlement in her bovine eyes): Do you mean it went quickly? You were in there half an hour!

Poppy: ?????! No, I mean it was very warm.