Tom's family

Mother: black belt in the little-known martial art of 'Hospitality'. Will never knowingly allow you to have an empty plate or glass on her watch! Even if you don't want anything! Does not believe in depression, thinks they shouldn't let gay people on the TV (though quite frankly the amount of time she spends watching it you'd think she'd welcome any excuse to turn it off for a while. Or even just 5 minutes).

Father: permanently absent, even though he still lives with Tom's mother. Incapable of showing affection. Always in one of four places - bed, watching TV by himself, pub, work.

Older sister: thinks being a parent means letting her mother bring up her children.

Younger sister: quiet, usually. Sweet, but spoilt, as her family can only show affection through the application of fat wads of cash.

Nephews: no concentration span due to aforementioned part-time parenting.

Grandfather: interesting jewellery (as in, big, gold and brash).

Grandmother: repeats the last word you say when in conversation. Most off-putting.