So...

...the big deal.

I graduated from university 5 years ago. Within 6 months, my significant other, Tom, had an affair with a man.

I found out.

We talked it through, and (for a variety of reasons, upon which I will elaborate at a later date) we stayed together. Two years ago we got married. This is, generally speaking, a good thing. We love each other, we get on well, we make each other laugh, we tidy up after each other (me - emotionally; him - with cleaning products and elbow grease). We complement each other.

But, he is still fairly screwed up emotionally. His family deserves a goodly number of posts, filled with awe at the dysfunctionality, and this is a major part of it. He is currently in therapy, instigated by me, which he agrees he needs and after a couple of months, is now telling me when I'm not being 'therapeutic' (I have a weakness for bitchy one-liners when upset or angry, and I know they don't help, but sometimes they pop out before I think. But I do feel bad).

Now that he's in therapy he has someone other than me to talk to about all this. I could talk to James (GBF*, my best man [yes, I am a girl - the wedding was slightly unconventional] and person in whom I originally confided when faced with Tom's infidelity), but he lives far, far away, and this just isn't something I want to do over the phone. There is also the fact that I've never really forgiven him for listening to me cry, then not getting back to me for 2 months, despite the massive emotional support I've given him over the years, which has really led to me mentally labeling him 'Friend for Fun not Support'. I could also talk to the other person I talked to at the time, Hat Jessica (for some reason, I know many Jessicas, Jessies and Jesses, so they will all have a descriptor. Hat Jessica wore a beret when she met my mum, and the name stuck), but she is also far, far away. And is really also an FfFnS, having done a similar disappearing act after my outpouring. I don't think they were the right people to have talked to at the time, and I think it even less now. So they are off my list.

I could (and possibly will) talk to Caitlin, knitting buddy extraordinaire and resident of the same city as me, but she is also a good friend of Tom's. I find it difficult telling people, especially if they have any kind of relationship with Tom, as I really feel deep down that this is 'his problem', and any effects on me are actually peripheral. I 'know' this isn't the case - the effects on me are actually massive, and may get bigger as he delves through his subconscious in therapy, sorting out who he really is, and what he really wants - but I still find it's a stumbling block when I try to talk about it.

There are other candidates, but none of them seem particularly suitable, I guess mainly because most of my really close friends are 200+ miles away, like Hat Jess and James.

So I've taken the anonymous option, and started a blog. Writing about all of this will help me sort out what I think and feel, just like talking about it would (I can make my own sympathetic noises and nod in the right place if necessary). If people read this and give me advice, that's a bonus. If people read this and give me abuse, I'll ignore them (I'm hard to shake).

*GBF - gay best friend